I feel lost.
I don’t have any words written for my dissertation proposal yet.
I have to propose it this fall.
I’m so burnt out and exhausted
I’m spending 35+ hours a week on things I have to do but that are not related to my dissertation. Like practicum and teaching and managing research assistants.
On the weekends I’m exhausted
I cant focus to move forward
I’m scared I’m going to be kicked out of the program if I don’t so progress by getting this proposed this fall
I have to propose this fall to apply to internship
The list of internship sites is overwhelming
The idea of having to self-promote for interviews and applications is terrifying given how lousy I feel about my accomplishments in grad school
I’m not sure I can do this
My advisor is well intentioned but overloaded with managing some departmental drama and family problems.
I usually like teaching but feel so resentful of it right now for the time it takes away from my ability to work on my dissertation
These feelings are real but I think they are amplified by being on the placebo section of birth control right now
I’m still a lesbian
But I’ve been dealing with awful nausea and one sided pelvic pain for 50% of days linked with my cycle. I’m tying BC to manage it. It seems to me working and I got the green light today to not have to have periods at all anymore.
Stress is breaking my body
I hate the weight I’ve gained in grad school
Today I went from the place of just being tense anxious to looking up suicide methods.
Then I got anxious about risks of it going wrong and opted for a shower, some self harm and a klonopin instead of suicide
I have not activated the mammalian dive reflex yet but it probably is coming later tonight
My cat is useless when I am this distressed
He knows I will hug him tighter that he wants when I am this upset so he is avoiding me
I can’t die because of the cat. He needs me. He’s scared of everyone but me.
I can’t die because I have to teach Wednesday and they need me.
I can’t die because I have patients scheduled this week
When I go to therapy Wednesday I’ll probably feel completely different and have trouble talking about how I felt today.
There will be too much distance from the emotions.
For me feeling suicidal is having intrusive images of methods popping into my head over and over
I’m less impulsive than I was when I was younger.
Instead of going from thoughts to actions I’m trapped in the immobilization of imagery that I am too scared to act on.
For those misreading my intentions here I’ll be explicit and say that I am not at imminent risk of suicide.
I am just flooded with ideation
When I was a teenager the ideation was pretty much daily.
As I’ve gotten older it is less often
But sometimes I am ambushed
I don’t think I ate enough today. 3 muffins and some hummas and crackers probably isn’t enough and probably is making me feel worse
Picking something from the freezer to put in the microwave feels overwhelming
How can I dissertate if I can’t select a frozen meal?
What will I do if I get kicked out without a PhD?
I cant go there.
I need to make the stakes salient to motivate myself
But if it is too salient I am immobilized.
Can anyone recommend something light and fun on Netflix?
I plan to eat better tomorrow
I really put that above sentence there to display being future oriented so no one calls the cops on me
Telling that may have negated the purpose.
But I am future oriented.