Where things are now

I finished my graduate program. Working on licensure.

I’ve been gradually working on being more open with people in my life. That’s huge progress for me. It also means though that I am not using this blog as an outlet in the same way. Additionally as I share pieces of information with people who I know I feel cautious about using a blog like this since people might piece things together and figure out who I am. I might write more in the future or I might not. I do pop by though from time to time and read comments.

I have not been in therapy for over a a year and surprisingly am feeling pretty good about it. I stopped because the burden of going to therapy after work was feeling like a chore. I figured that meant that I didn’t really need it anymore.

Finishing school lifted a huge fear off of me regarding the fear of being kicked out of school. I can’t be afraid of being kicked out of school when there is no more school to be kicked out of. My position in life feels less easily threatened by being “found out” than it did in the past. Certainly people knowing many details of my mental health history could cause problems, but I feel more options are open to me now. School is so linear, if something blocks progress in it you have fewer options to fix the issue. But now no one can take away my degree and if for some reason one path gets blocked in my future there are always other options.

Between that fear being lifted and having found a medication that is perfect for me, my mood is pretty even. Sometimes it’s hard to even remember how intense and urgent the emotions I used to feel were. There are of course bad days now and then that give me a strong reminder. But that I have done well though with coping during this pandemic gives me a lot of confidence in my ability to handle the future. It’s certainly been a rough year, but it’s been rough because of the situation in the world, not because of my reactions to the situation. I should be careful what I say though lest I jinx it.

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