It won’t go away

The 3 year anniversary of when I was kicked out of school is a bit over a month away.
It’s been so much, time but it is still an incredibly touchy subject.

I can speak about suicide, self-injury, hair pulling etc in a detached, emotionless voice. When talking about my forced medical leave I struggle to get out a sentence at a time without being interrupted by crying. When upset, my verbal ability plummets.

I spoke with a researcher who is studying people who have been forced out of their school or asked to leave due to mental health issues. I’m glad someone is working to get awareness for the issue. I don’t feel I did a good job of communicating the long term difficulties I have as a result of the forced leave, but at least I did something.

School is the most important thing to me. As you can see from this blog’s name my major is a important part of my identity. Before this mess I was a different major. I defined myself by that major too. I’ve lost a part of who I am. That old identity is tainted by these happenings. I try to push that old part of my identity away and people keep throwing it back at me.

I feel so isolated about it. There are support groups for so many things. Except this one thing I could really use a support group for. I need not only someone in the same situation, but someone who also has long term problems from it.

There’s a message board I’ve been going to for support of a more general nature for nearly 5 years. Using a message board for support is tough. I spend so much time trying to give background information that I don’t feel the ability to vent freely that I really need. What I really need is a best friend and I use the Internet as a poor substitute. My most recent thread, several weeks ago, related to ways this still impacts my life. I felt very misunderstood. Feeling misunderstood feels like an attack. I tried to put on a strong front in my replies, while alternating between tearful keystrokes and slicing open my leg. I wanted to clarify and understand how I can better explain myself. I am extremely touchy about this issue.
I don’t need people to tell me to move on from it. I know I’ve been hanging onto this a long amount of time. It’s easy to tell a person to get over it and not understand why the issue is still hanging around.

Let’s look at this through Compromise Formation Theory which admittedly I don’t know a ton about, but the little I know leads me to feel it is particularly applicable here. I wouldn’t be doing something if it didn’t provide some benefit.

The negative part of this compromise is that I am still hanging onto this thing that happened nearly 3 years ago and have incredible emotional sensitivity to it.

On the other hand, hanging on to this issue is the only way I know how to feel some security. Letting it go feels like opening myself up to the possibility of it happening again. I would be too vulnerable.

My hyper-vigilance is both damaging and protective.

Periodically I do a very stupid thing and google the therapist who got me kicked out.
He’s developing quite the web presence or so he appears to think.
Up until recently, he thought it was a good idea, and not at all reminiscent of tacky 1990s websites, to include a hit counter on his blog.
I’ve taken a lot of pleasure in knowing how small his web audience is.
Yes, it’s petty, but it helps me.

In my more recent googling I learned he is publishing a book, set to come out this year.
It has a cutesy name, the same as his blog, and is about taking a trendy psychology concept and adapting it for
a young urbanite audience.
A blog I can deal with, a book is a different issue. It has the ability to reach a large audience. The thought of all these people reading his book and possibly thinking he is a great guy upsets me.
I wish I were brave enough to publicly tell everything, write my own book, so people could know the rest of the story about him.

I have these horrible images in my head of spotting his book in one of my professor’s offices. I need to keep my old world separate from my new one. A book on the wrong bookshelf would signify an invasion. The fear is almost as bad as if it were to really happen.

In reaction to this I did the only thing I could. I used my Internet knowledge for a tiny piece of vengeance, while not violating any laws.
I reported his domains to ICANN. He had blatantly false Whois info (I highly doubt his phone number is (999) 999-9999).
I got one of his domains suspended for a few days.
Again, petty, I know, but it put a smile on my face for a little bit.

I wonder if he knows I did it. Probably not.

I’m sure I’m much less on his mind than he is on mine. This is part of the problem. It hurts to see him achieving any level of success, when I still have a day to day struggle over what he did.

Within the past week, a blog post of his was featured on the front page of a highly trafficked pop-psychology website. I wonder how many people I know read his article, having no clue about our association.

I want to scream out to the world ‘Hey look what he did!’, but I can’t because what he did left me too scared.

17 thoughts on “It won’t go away

  1. I like your blog and its good to read you again after your break

    Just ome question
    Do you talk about this issue with your current therapist?

    Why dont you publish his site here as you are quite anon here?

    I can identify with you
    there are a few people who stuch a few kegs in my wheel and Ide love for them to get some of their own back
    I do what I can in a very small way
    and secretly hope that Karma will do its stuff too

    • I’ ve talked about it in therapy, only one therapist who I’ve talked to about this particular issue has been super helpful about it and unfortunately he’s in a different state from where I’m living right now.
      Current therapy situation is a bit weird. Should probably write a post explaining it.

      If I were to link his website here he’d see it in his referral logs and then would find my website. I’m not sure if I’d be comfortable with that. It’d not take long of him reading this blog in connection with me, linking him for him to figure out my identity.

      It’s funny that you mention Karma. He’s very much hopped onto the trendy ‘Buddhism is cool’ ship.

      Glad you like the blog. I’m going to try to write more. I’ve a list of topics I should get around to covering. I’m just so super busy during the semester that when I get some free time I want to shut my brain off rather than write a thousand words.

  2. If he found out its you could he hurt you?
    get you expelled from college?

    I actualy believe in fate usualy people get whats comming to them one way or another ;-)

    Its worked out for me

    • He doesn’t know where I go to school now, so no, he couldn’t get me kicked out.

      My concern is that I don’t want to mess with getting into any area that could legally be considered harassment. I realize linking to his site is pretty far from crossing that line, but it’s something I want to be sure not to cross.
      I emailed a lawyer recently-ish asking if there were any more legal options I could pursue with this, since I feel I let him off too easy. I haven’t gotten a reply, yet, but I definitely don’t want to do anything that he could use against me.

  3. I believe that a Therapist has an obligation to act if he believes that you are a danger to yourself or others

    Other then that
    he can advise \give an opinion but not more then that

    in my oppinion that is…

    How can a therapist get a client kicked out of an academic institution ?

    Are there any organisations you can seek advise from ?
    some one who can fight for your rights?

  4. i do wonder what a client has to do to have his “T” intervene in such a way as to get him kicked out of school

    I hope that he did explain his actions

  5. I get very irrated by the ‘Buddhism is cool’ ship. Especially in therapy. I fire loads of cannon balls into the hull of that sucker from my very angry pirate ship when I get sufficiently riled. Your old therapist sounds like a total twat.

    • oooh can I borrow your pirate ship for the next time I run into a therapist like that?

      It’s not that I really have a problem with Buddhism per say. People just go way overboard (another ship reference I guess) with it. Any usefulness any of concepts they steal gets lost. They take it to such an extreme that it would almost be comical if it weren’t so annoying.

      • I believe they believe that being new age \ trendy is hip.. and way cool (NOT!}

        They dont realize that its sorta a way of life if you live it correctly.
        Being a way of life there is no need to bring it up all the time and use it in overkill

  6. My Karma ran over my dogma
    I believe that things happen because of some thing

    if some one did something bad to me I believe that the universe will pay that person back with out me lifting a fingure.
    {call it fate or what ever).

    As for therapist other then being a total Putz i do hope he explained him self .

  7. You can borrow my pirate ship anytime you like. It comes with really good cannons and lots of ammo. The worst therapists don’t know what to think when they end up taking a shelling in return for their invalidating stupidity. (Yes, I have been injured and I’m bitter.)

    I think I will eventually do a post on Buddhism and how invalidating certain concepts are in therapy. I’ll do it just as soon as I heal the wounds that were inflicted upon me by the last therapist. And as soon as the smoke clears from all the cannon fire he inspired. Right now I’m face down on the deck sobbing, but assuming I don’t bleed to death or throw myself overboard, I will eventually make that post.

    In the meanwhile, my pirate ship is your pirate ship and you can borrow whatever you need.


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