Starting off

I have decided to give this anonymous public blogging thing a shot.

Perhaps it’ll help fight some of the isolation I feel about hiding the less pleasant aspects of my life from the world.

Hiding takes up a lot of energy.

So an introduction is in order I suppose:

I’m a psychology major. My interest in psychology began through my personal experiences. I worry that I’m studying it for the wrong reasons, but I’m in love with the subject all the same. It helps with my personal problems by letting me be an informed patient, but also hurts me because it fuels my preference to use intellectualization as a defense.

I don’t know what my diagnoses is. I have met with many therapists outpatient and been hospitalized 3 times. That equals a long list of diagnoses., because everyone differs in their opinion of what’s wrong based on personal bias (if they specialize in helping a specific diagnosis) or just based on what is bothering me the most at the time I see them.

Here’s a list of the things that at some point in time a professional has diagnosed me with:

-Dsythymic Disorder

-Major Depression

-Bipolar type 2

-Bipolar type 3 (I know this doesn’t really exist and that everyone who has ever used this term defined it differently. That didn’t stop him)

-Social Anxiety

-Generalized Anxiety Disorder

-Panic Disorder

-OCD

-Trichotillomania

-Tourettes

-ADHD (inattentive type)

-Sensory integration Disorder

-Auditory Processing Disorder

-Borderline Personality Disorder

-Mood Disorder NOS

-PMDD

What ones do I really have? I don’t know. Not that is really matters much. In a few years when the new DSM comes out I may have to begin collecting diagnoses all over again when new ones get added and old ones eliminated.

I wonder a lot if I have schizoid personality disorder. But I probably don’t. I probably just want to think that so I can believe that I don’t need people. I definitely have an avoidant attachment style though. No question about that.

When I write while feeling intense emotions the result is usually an incoherent mass of typos and sentence fragments.  When I write at times I am calmer, my writing becomes emotionally detached. I’ve tried to write a book a few times, but it always ends up reading like a case study by an observer, rather than like a subjective experience. I tend to edit out emotion. Whenever I look back on my writing showing emotional extremes both positive and negative) I cringe. I’ll try with this blog to find a happy medium. I want this to be readable, but hopefully not too detached.

I am an awful speller. Without spellcheck I get nowhere. I apologize in advance to all the spelling errors I’m sure I’ll miss.

I’ll end this for now I guess. Comment if you read it?

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11 thoughts on “Starting off

  1. Hi thanks for writing your story up. I’m an introvert as well and my recent social situation had forced me to dropped out from school temporarily. I find that I can turn on my turbo and be super-social and extremely friendly to anyone. However, I find that this is not my natural. I don’t even know. thanks for posting again. I’ll make sure to read your posts.

    Reply
  2. This is on of the coolest things I’ve ever read. I agree with you in many of your articles. I think this is really great because I plan on majoring in Counseling Psychology and I have a history of Non-Suicidal Self-Injury. Keep it up!

    Reply
  3. Hey I found your blog a few nights ago and I have really been enjoying it. Today I decided to read everything, in whatever sort of order you’ve put together here. (: I find it very comforting to read this – I don’t feel so alone in many of the thoughts and views that I have. Also I have to say, I enjoy reading this a lot – it’s like a very good book. I’d just like to say thank you for sharing your story! ((Also you said to comment if I read it))

    Reply
  4. Hey, I found your blog when searching for what to expect in therapy.

    Very interesting read, and thank you very much for sharing your story.

    I do not self harm but even before I found your blog, I pretty much hold a similar view on it and found the reactions of people you write about on it slightly disconcerting.

    Best wishes in all that you endeavour to do.

    Reply
  5. Just commenting to say hello as I saw you were following my blog, and now I’m following yours! I’m in a similar position, I’m doing clinical psychology training in the UK and have a history of mental health problems that sometimes complicate things. My blog’s not as journal-like but I use it as a space for joining up my experiences of using services/mental health and my experiences and learning as a clinician. It’s quite a relief to know there are other similar people out there, I sometimes feel like a bit of the odd one out on my course (although as people don’t always talk about these things, it might not just be me!). Look forward to reading more posts from you and good luck with your studies!

    Reply
  6. Wow, I don’t even know how I came across this blog, maybe it was to see that I’m not so alone. what really stood out to me though, was the fact that you mentioned that the doctors had at one point diagnosed you with Tourettes. As about age 8, I realized that I wasn’t quite normal, I had these strange impulses to move my body and make sounds that I didn’t know how to control. Nearly 11 years after the diagnosis, 4 years of self harm, 3 years of an eating disorder, and a multitude of other mental and personality disorders, I felt more alone than ever. I can relate to people with ED’s and self harm issues. But that’s often where the connections stop. I have never met anyone else who had been diagnosed with Tourettes, let alone who suffered from self harm. I read this post not knowing what to expect really, and I just wanted to thank you. I realize now that I’m not alone. I know everyone says that “you aren’t alone”, but I never had any reason to see that. Reading this has really comforted me and made me feel less like a freak or oddity. I feel calm and for once in my life, understood, so thank you so much.

    Reply
  7. Have you found a solution to your avoidant behaviors and emotional detachment in all the years since this post? I am classic avoidant. I have classic avoidant behaviors as a subset of social anxiety. I stay away from emotions, and I guess in some ways emphathize with the unfeeling , unemotional typecast characters in film and media. I guess its easier for me, to blend into society this way, as a male. I can pretend to be Clint Eastwood, and all that. But I am trying to find some starting point to dealing with the insane anxiety and emotional instability I have. According to my current Psychiatrist, I have ADHD, and poor emotional control makes sense as a component of this disorder. But I am looking at medication options, beyond the oft prescribed SSRI’s. Any advice?

    Reply

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