I have decided to give this anonymous public blogging thing a shot.
Perhaps it’ll help fight some of the isolation I feel about hiding the less pleasant aspects of my life from the world.
Hiding takes up a lot of energy.
So an introduction is in order I suppose:
I’m a psychology major. My interest in psychology began through my personal experiences. I worry that I’m studying it for the wrong reasons, but I’m in love with the subject all the same. It helps with my personal problems by letting me be an informed patient, but also hurts me because it fuels my preference to use intellectualization as a defense.
I don’t know what my diagnoses is. I have met with many therapists outpatient and been hospitalized 3 times. That equals a long list of diagnoses., because everyone differs in their opinion of what’s wrong based on personal bias (if they specialize in helping a specific diagnosis) or just based on what is bothering me the most at the time I see them.
Here’s a list of the things that at some point in time a professional has diagnosed me with:
-Bipolar type 2
-Bipolar type 3 (I know this doesn’t really exist and that everyone who has ever used this term defined it differently. That didn’t stop him)
-Generalized Anxiety Disorder
-ADHD (inattentive type)
-Sensory integration Disorder
-Auditory Processing Disorder
-Borderline Personality Disorder
-Mood Disorder NOS
What ones do I really have? I don’t know. Not that is really matters much. In a few years when the new DSM comes out I may have to begin collecting diagnoses all over again when new ones get added and old ones eliminated.
I wonder a lot if I have schizoid personality disorder. But I probably don’t. I probably just want to think that so I can believe that I don’t need people. I definitely have an avoidant attachment style though. No question about that.
When I write while feeling intense emotions the result is usually an incoherent mass of typos and sentence fragments. When I write at times I am calmer, my writing becomes emotionally detached. I’ve tried to write a book a few times, but it always ends up reading like a case study by an observer, rather than like a subjective experience. I tend to edit out emotion. Whenever I look back on my writing showing emotional extremes both positive and negative) I cringe. I’ll try with this blog to find a happy medium. I want this to be readable, but hopefully not too detached.
I am an awful speller. Without spellcheck I get nowhere. I apologize in advance to all the spelling errors I’m sure I’ll miss.
I’ll end this for now I guess. Comment if you read it?