I wrote this the other day, I was going to write more, going day by day through my week last week, but didn’t finish. This is the roughest period of finals I’ve had yet. So much to do.
It was a very emotionally intense week. I fired my therapist that Thursday. I suppose I can go more into that later, but I’ll just throw up here what I’ve written so far. Sorry that this is sloppier than what I normally post.
Monday April 11:
I was very angry in the waiting room. I wanted to go in and scream at him. Instead, I walked into his office and could hardly speak.
When I could speak I asked to play chess. I was able to say “check “numerous times and “checkmate” when I won.
My vocabulary then branched out from exclusively chess related speech.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell him outright about the suicidal thoughts I’d been dealing with the past several months
About how I was spending time looking up how I might buy cyanide.
Or how earlier that day I’d bought an assortment of pain killers, which by the time I left to go to therapy I had decided not to take, but were (and still are) sitting in my room.
Instead I stared at the wall and listed reasons why I couldn’t kill myself.
Reasons like, “I’m too busy to kill myself”.
Seems like a strange reason, but somehow the idea of waiting until break to kill myself makes sense in my head. Like it’s this thing I want, but first let me finish this huge amount of work I need to do.
And reasons like “I can’t kill myself because I have my period”.
I have had my period during all of my hospitalizations. If I’m going to kill myself I need to be sure it’s not PMS.
There was a moment where I got scared. A response of his made me think he was thinking about hospitalization. I had to backpedal, but needed to do so in a way that would not seem like obvious backpedaling.
In keeping with my format of listing reasons not to kill myself I explained that I wasn’t going to kill myself because If I were to kill myself I’d want to be sure it would work, but given all the times I have unsuccessfully tried to kill myself I am clearly not terribly good at it and so it’s not worth even bothering.
I told him about how my professor has assigned homework to read an entry from the blog that has endorsed the therapist who kicked me out of school’s blog. This put my entire class two mouse clicks away from that therapist’s blog.
I talked about how, I’d called my former therapist (S.M. the one who I actually liked) to talk when I found out about this assignment.
He kept saying how it seemed like thing were going so well in my life and wondering if maybe I was actually upset because I was feeling more connected to him. No matter how many times I have told him I don’t feel more connected to him or even connected at all he doesn’t buy it.
Beside that point things are not going so well. I realize that realistically the things I am beating myself up about are small and I am being too hard on myself, but the feelings are still there. That I’m doing an awful job of everything and destroying the little bit of credibility I worked hard for at my internship. But validating those feelings would require him to have some ability to understand what I’m going through, instead he just has to argue with me.
I talked about my frustrations with this therapy and how it’s so much worse when I’m having a rough time to also not have therapy that I feel is working.
He, being the master of saying the wrong thing, brought up the possibility of me leaving and offered a referral.
As much as it is a subject I have thought a lot about it was not something I could think or speak about in such a period of acute stress.
The appointment was coming to an end. “See you Thursday at 9:30?”, He asked.
Panicked at the thought of waiting that long while I was so emotionally unstable, I meekly asked if he has any availability for Tuesday.
He did. So I made another appointment for tuesday..